


Moving Forward

by androgynousclintbarton



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen, Kakashi is not handling it well, M/M, Post Sakumo's death, Suicide mention, but he's also trying to be a 'good shinobi', cuz Cannon, let my boy cry, which i dislike
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-15 19:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28818666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/androgynousclintbarton/pseuds/androgynousclintbarton
Summary: Kakashi's determined to be the good strong shinobi he knows he's supposed to be. The one that doesn't cry over the death of a failure. Who refuses to show his weakness.He's not doing so well at it, unfortunately.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Moving Forward

Voices linger in the air. Silent whispers that he tried desperately to make sense of, only to have one of the doctor’s walk in and close the door, making it impossible for him to decipher what’s being said.

“Hatake-san,” Her words are meant to catch his attention, but he doesn’t bother to look up. Eyes locked on the Tanto that Lord Third had left with him during a short visit. “I have a few questions to ask you before we release you. Do you think you’re able to answer them?”

Taking a deep breath, Kakashi stuffed down all of the emotions boiling up inside of him and turned his attention up to the doctor. “What kind of questions?” He asked with a calm voice. Something that she didn’t seem to be expecting, judging by the look of surprise on her face.

Basic questions follow.

How are you feeling? He lies. No one needs to hear about that. They don’t actually care, why would they? He’s just the son of a shamed shinobi who took his own life. They wouldn’t notice if he disappeared into the night never to be seen again.

Have you had any thoughts about harming yourself? That one feels like a low hit. The only reason his father chose to do this was because of the way everyone was treating him. One failed mission and suddenly everyone hated him.

Hurting himself wouldn’t do him any good.

He had to prove himself. Show the village and everyone who had scolded his father that he wasn’t like him.

Show them that he was better. A good, strong, successful shinobi.

“Hatake-san?” snapping out of his thoughts, Kakashi focused on the doctor once more. “Is everything alright? You seem distracted.”

His heart told him to scream. To kick and cry and throw the biggest fit anyone had ever seen in their lives because only an idiot would think that he wasn’t distracted. That he wasn’t currently reliving that moment over and over again in his mind. 

As if he couldn’t still feel that sticky, gooey blood on his hands even though Choza-San had helped him wash it all off a few hours ago when he arrived at the hospital with his teammates. 

His mind told him to stop, though. To take a deep breath and push it all down. Just like he had been doing ever since he walked into Lord Thirds office to inform him about what had happened while his father’s blood stained his hands and his heart ached in his chest. 

“I’m fine.” He chokes on the words, and his teeth scream at him to grab something to gnaw on. A habit of his to help him focus and calm down in high stress situations. Unfortunately, there’s nothing. Well, except…

Glancing back down at his fathers tanto he debated using it as a chew toy for a moment. It wouldn’t be the first time he had done it, and it would help him in this situation just as it had when he was a little kid. 

No.

Giving his head a shake, he pulled the Tanto close to his chest.

Of all the things he could gnaw on, this wasn’t one of them. Not anymore. There was no one in the village who would fix the hilt anymore if he ruined it with his teeth. Where once the blacksmiths of the village would clamber over each other for the chance to just hold the white fangs tanto, now they would scuff at the thought of even looking at it.

He had to take care of it. Keep it in proper, fictioning condition if he wanted to be able to use it when he was finally made a genin. 

A sharp knock on the door caught his attention. Looking up he watched as the door opened with a slight creek and Shikaku-san stepped into the room. The look on his face matches the one that Kakashi’s pretty sure he’s wearing as well.

The appearance of a shinobi. Strong and controlled even in the face of tragedy. Although, Kakashi’s certain that Shikaku is far more convincing than him because the doctor doesn’t seem to question the sixteen year old for a moment when he tells her that he’ll be taking over. She just nods her head and leaves the room with no argument.

Something that he wished he had the ability to make people do. Maybe then they would leave him alone more often.

“Come on,” Shikaku’s words are sharp. An order with no room for argument, and before he realizes what he’s doing Kakashi jumps off of the bed he was sitting on and starts to walk towards the older man. He’s half way there when he realizes what’s going on and stops in his tracks. “Don’t make me explain it kid. I just spent ten minutes telling my old man to stuff his stupid opinion on this. I don’t want to argue with anyone else.”

Tightening his fingers around his fathers Tanto, Kakashi straightened his back and glared up at the older man. It wasn’t that he wanted an argument. An explanation would be just fine.

At least then someone would have bothered to explain something to him tonight instead of just treating him like a child.

“What a drag,” Shikaku turned his eyes up to the ceiling with a groan. “Fine. You’re staying at my place kid. I’m not going to let you go back to an empty house. Especially not when-”

He doesn’t need Shikaku to finish his sentence. Just thinking about going back to that house sends shivers down his spine. The place probably stinks of blood, and even if someone has already come in to clean up the mess he’s certain all he’ll see when he walks into the living room is his fathers dead body laying in a pool of his own blood.

Heck, he’s not even at home and that’s already all he can see. Even when he tries not to focus on it, it’s right there in front of him. Cemented in his memory forever.

Still, he refuses to let Shikaku see the hurt deep inside of his soul. If he knows what Kakashi’s thinking, how he’s feeling, he’ll never accept him as a shinobi. Shinobi don’t show weakness. They don’t crumble because of loss.

So he keeps it to himself and turns his gaze away from Shikaku. 

“I don’t need your pity, old man.” he grumbled under his breath, cringing when a hand came down into his hair. For a second he expects to be hit, or at least yelled at. After all, he’s being rude to a Jonin and that’s unacceptable behaviour for someone who wants to be a shinobi of the leaf village.

Instead, nothing happens.

“We’ll pick up some clothes for you in the morning,” Shikaku continues as if Kakashi hadn’t said anything. “Now come on. It’s late and I want to get at least some sleep tonight.”

With that said Shikaku turned towards the door and started to walk away, leaving Kakashi standing there with his fathers tanto still clutched close to his chest and no idea what to do next. Was he supposed to just listen and follow Shikaku? Was that the right thing to do? Or should he argue and say he can take care of himself. That he has to take care of himself.

After all, who else is going to take care of him when the entire village hates him already because of his fathers actions?

“Are you coming?” Shikaku asked, raising an eyebrow when Kakashi looked up at him. “Come on. I’m not leaving you here. Sensei would kill me if i did.”

“Sensei…” the word is a whisper when he speaks. Barely audible but just enough to catch Shikaku’s attention as Kakashi holds his fathers tanto out in front of him and stares down at it. 

Before he knows what’s happening, his knees give out under him, sending him crashing down to the floor. Curling into himself, he pulled the tanto close once more and buried his face into his knees.

He’s not really sure what happens after that. The rest of the world fades away around him as the anger and sadness finally take over, tears running down his face. All of the questions he refused to ask before suddenly come flooding from his mouth. A montra of ‘why’s’ and ‘how’s’ one after the other.

Suddenly it feels like too much for him to handle. He had been doing so well too, playing the strong soldier. Refusing to break.

Why was it now that he couldn’t seem to hold himself together anymore.

“Hey,” that same stupid hand returned to his hair, a soft sad look greeting him when he looked up from his knees. “It’s ok. You’re not alone.”

Funny, he certainly felt alone right now. Even with someone standing right in front of him there was an empty space in his heart that ached. Like a pain he had never felt before, taking over completely as he thought about his father.

How he’d never get to see him again. Hear his voice calling out to him, hold his hand, listen to him tell him all about when he was younger, or the things he had taught his students when they were still genin. 

How the last thing he had ever said to his father was ‘why didn’t you just do the mission?’ in an angry bitter voice after hearing villagers insult his father for days. 

He was alone, and he hated it. Pleaded with the universe to turn back time and give him a second chance. To let him keep his father by his side so he didn’t have to feel this unbearable emptiness deep inside of him. 

“Take your time, kid,” Shikaku whispers, a hint of weariness in his voice. “We’ll head out when you’re ready.”


End file.
